With everything, there’s a line.

On one side of the line is a greater chance to give more, enjoy more, realize more. On the other side, there’s less of a chance.

And with each line, there’s a choice. You want to cross the line or you don’t. You want the better chance at meaningful – opportunity – impact – or you settle with the lesser chance.

Your choice.

It seems simple but then there’ll be those times… (read more)

(photo: crossing the line in the Outer Banks of North Carolina)

Weekly, I’m amazed by technology and our ability to connect instantaneously wherever we are. But I wonder if that’s what’s really happening – the connecting.

There’s a wonderful (and frightening) book called The Screwtape Letters (C.S. Lewis). It’s a compilation of letters from one devil to another – a mentoring devil to a junior devil. It’s dizzying what it’ll do to your thinking because everything seems to be in reverse. If you want to push your brain, it’s worth your time.

So… What if it were true? If there was an evil force in the world, what would be its primary work?

It would attack love, wouldn’t it? And love is care. And wouldn’t one of the most evil ways to do that be to help us slip into a twilight state of sleep and indifference but at the same time make us feel as though we’re active and connecting with one another?

“Your business is to fix his attention on the stream. Teach him to call it ‘real life’ and don’t let him ask what he means by ‘real’.”

C.S. Lewis (1942)
from The Screwtape Letters

Okay, my band of evilness, here’s an idea…

Let’s make it so easy for people to connect that they focus on the quantity of connections rather than the quality of those connections… Devolve the meaning of friend. Devolution. Mmmmm.

Let’s give them some tools that allow them to find each other wherever they may be and let’s encourage them to be obsessed with those tools. So efficient. Wait… And then maybe they can keep track of those friends… In front of each other… Yes, a contest of sorts. So proud.

Let’s help them push human interaction to their fingers rather than their faces… Oh, so nice… Quicker less thoughtful communication eroding their ability to communicate at all, perhaps? Could it be that they may even shy away from talking completely?

Yes quicker, less thoughtful, less meaningful.

All along, they’ll feel like they’re making more connections but in reality, they’ll be growing apart… Becoming less able to connect in reality. Conversations will become acronyms. Discussions will become monologues and homologues. Listening, reflection, and thought… Pffft. Rush. Rush. Rush. 

Oh… To have them care more about telling their story than living their story… How wonderfully terrible that would be.

(Let’s be careful.)

“… enjoy chilled with discerning friends or good-looking strangers.”

The 8.5%… be careful with that.

“The freedom to be lords of our own tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default-setting, the “rat race” — the constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing.”

David Foster Wallace
American writer

Those words are from Wallace’s commencement speech given in 2005. The entire text is one of the most moving (and inspiring) things I’ve ever read (especially knowing that Wallace ultimately lost his internal war with depression). It’s about 3000 words — maybe a 15-minute read.

I can’t tell you who spoke at my college graduation. Nothing against them, I’m sure it was me. Had Wallace been our speaker and given the same talk, I probably would have missed it because of my attitude at the time. (I wonder how many of those students heard and thought about what Wallace said that day.)

We have just over 3 million college degrees being given out this year in the U.S. I’m assuming (hoping) that the largest portion of them will start working and contributing to the needs of our world (people). I hope they’re Smovers.

At the same time, I hope we (the grown-ups?) remember to encourage them to do what’s right, work hard, and care. They’ll need it (though they might not want it) and it’s our job as grown-ups.

Below are my 3 favorite commencement speeches. Pass one or all of them along to someone who’s graduating (this year or 3 years from now). Help them become more aware… earlier. Make sure you read them first (you might find Wallace’s to be too harsh). Then be sure to follow up. Sit down and ask them what they think. Then listen. Then have a conversation.

This Is Water : David Foster Wallace, Writer

Find What You Love : Steve Jobs, Apple Inc. Cofounder

The Love of Learning : David McCullough, Writer and lecturer

judging the way you act toward your spouse.

judging the way you parent your children.

judging the way you use your time.

judging the way you use your money.

telling others about the bad things you do.

I stand in your front yard…

wishing I hadn’t.

During the game… 

1. Say nothing unless it’s completely positive. Your players don’t need remarks of disappointment while they’re working. “What are you doooooing, Bobby?” is not positive.
2. Let the coach guide the players. In the heat of the match, a kid is going to have a tough time figuring out who to listen to (and it’s not you).
3. Remember you chose the recreational league because your player probably isn’t the next Beckham (or you didn’t want to invest all that time and money). S/he might be, but then you’d be in a travel or an advanced league and this advice wouldn’t be for you (although if you’re in a travel league, feel free to ratchet back your anger and intensity if you feel it coming on… it’s not a great example to set and it fuels the bad attitudes and sportsmanship we’re increasingly seeing on the fields).
4. Enjoy that your child is trying, competing, and getting a solid workout.

After the game… Reinforce the importance of effort and acknowledge any bright spots. If there were any bad attitude moments (for your player), ask if they think they could have done anything better during the game and then listen without giving advice. If you had any bad attitude moments, apologize (it sets a good example).

If you’re a new rec coach (or a coach who hasn’t had a great deal of success – define that how you’d like) and you’re interested, here’s what’s worked for me…

1. In my league we’re restricted to a couple one-hour practices each week. That means I have 2 hours (120 minutes) to develop a group of players that will play well (individually and as a team) and strive to win a clean game with a good attitude. Since reading something about 5 years ago that suggested some of the best players come out of simply playing on the street, I’ve coached by it ever since.
2. For players under 16, with this limited amount of time, I focus on making sure people are running and touching the ball (with their feet) as much as possible. Barring a few introductory remarks, every practice is filled with short-sided scrimmages using small goals and no goal keeper (3 vs. 3 or up to 6 vs. 6 depending on the number of players who are attending practice). This makes it almost impossible for a player to hide out and not play (bringing along some of the less-comfortable players). During these games we obsess on (1) making it habit to go to the ball immediately (and getting to it first… even if you don’t think you can) (2) passing the ball in front of players (into space) and moving to space (open areas) when you don’t have the ball and (3) getting up immediately if you fall down (unless you’re seriously hurt). With 120 minutes of practice time a week, those core issues are more than enough to handle.
3. I’ve never been lucky enough to have a player who wanted to play goal keeper. So, we invest no time on developing one and count on developing a defense that obsesses over never letting the ball get near the goal (kick the ball out to the sides and up the field… out and up). Then, at game time, depending on the situation, I’ll rotate players through who appear to “see the game” a little better than others. If I had a player who knew they wanted to be a goal keeper, I’d probably have them take shots from a single player for at least half of the practice. (But I don’t know if that would work, because I’ve never done it).
4. Throughout practice, I’ll talk a little 212 (pointing out how a simple half step can be the difference between getting or stopping a pass or goal) and Smovish (for attitude) and I’ll make sure the kids who show some serious effort get a side note of encouragement. If there’s someone who needs a push so they try a little more, I’ll be sure to mention it (trying to be kind). Any whining or complaining… not a good thing with me. I’ll give this immediate attention. This is a bad habit that can spread and infect good players and then stay with them for life (I’m guessing that life thing based on my experience as a midlifer). We strive for “complainless” players. Also, I’ll reinforce the issue of clean aggressive play (during the game too). Any dirty play gets immediate attention.
5. At the end of practice or after a game, I’ll ask players to work with the ball on their own every day for 5 – 10 minutes. With this, I’m hoping they stay in tune on off days and maybe play a little longer. Once they hit 12-years-old, I’ll ask them to run a mile a day (when it’s convenient and safe) with a friend or family member. Some will do it and some won’t but my hope is for better fitness than if it wasn’t suggested.

No lines. More fun. Serious fitness. More than a hundred ball touches per player (hopefully) per practice. More resilience and confidence.

It’s not perfect but my bet is that it’s the best use of time for rec ball.

Since doing it, I’ve seen some solid players develop into great players and some less talented players develop into solid players (with better attitudes). Also, almost every team we’ve had over the last five years has had a winning record (with several undefeated seasons). Of course, we could be lucky with the talent of the players but I’m confident it’s a little bit of both.

One other thing… Once my players reach the age of 11, I ask them to bring their own drinks and energy food. I believe it encourages personal responsibility and lightens the load of families who might be managing several sports events on a particular day.

Oh… And trophies aren’t for participation. They’re for first place (and maybe second).

If you need more, here’s a wonderful guide from the U.S. Soccer Federation (it’s free).

Say something to a teen this week (even if they’re in their 30s).

(TGIS: thank God it’s Smonday)

Poem by Taylor Mali.

Imagine the world without ego.

More kindness. Less pain. More done.

Here’s how.

As you get closer and closer to my rear bumper, remember…

Maybe the person in front of you is learning how to drive.

Maybe it’s your daughter. Maybe it’s your son.

Maybe it’s your 5-year-old learning how to drive 10 years from now.

(golden rule stuff, man)